The Classy Girl's Guide To Being Unwelcoming

happy wtf

Why does no one write advice about how to give someone the impression that you aren't happy to see them? I could really use The Classy Girl's Guide To Being Unwelcoming because I need to give a hint that I'm done without having to be rude about saying I'm done. Like, how do I tell you that the fact you can still see my Instagrams kind of bothers me, but, you know, like a lady? Or like, maybe it's acceptable to say, "listen, I would love to catch up, only I'm really, really petty!" if you say it nicely enough? But I feel like that's more than nice enough already, because what I'm thinking is something more like "Haha, I only agreed to get coffee because it would be rude not to. I don't want to tell you anything about my life, creep."

I just realized what that last part sounded like. To be clear I don't think it's acceptable to be rude to someone on a first date. I actually don't think it's okay to be unwelcoming or unkind to anyone that you don't know. Yes, act like a lady to those people, because they haven't yet done anything to you personally to deserve anything else. My question is how to keep the somebodies that you used to know exactly that if they insist on trying not to be.

Can we start with the approach? Why is it always a request for coffee? Why can't it be a request for dinner or lunch or a show so that I can decline without seeming like I'm holding a grudge? I just want to move on and have you not in my life anymore but you have to ask me to get coffee because you know it would be rude for me to say no. And even my Yes has to be such a No (You know?). Like, "No, I'm not so small of a person that I can't take the time to have coffee with someone who I don't like. No, actually it is weird that you asked. No, I don't want to be friends with you just because I'm okay(ish) with spending a tiny amount of time with you." Yeah, that's what my Yes actually means, and usually the only "yes" behind it is "Yes. I am still repulsed by the way that you talk."

So like, the ladylike response is an unenthusiastic acceptance. When it's time to actually be there, I don't want to hug you when one of us arrives because it literally makes me ew and that has nothing to do with what you look like, it's just your face and the fact that you're touching me. Also, everything else about you. But I have never been a hugger so you probably will not take enough of a hint from that because it won't be weird. I can just not hug you and still be polite. The next step is kind of tricky, because so far you have been as obtuse as a the letter Y (you'll see it, don't worry) about the fact that I don't want to be here, and I need my coffee order to reflect that. I will add Bailey's to my coffee when you specifically are not looking. It's rude to let you know that early that I'm so unhappy to be there. Then I need to order something pungent to eat. "The onion bagel with chive cream cheese? Oh, you have lox? Great I'll have lox. Oh, I'll just have the Cobb salad but can I get some extra bleu cheese? Oh you have a pickled herring sandwich with kimchi and Worcester sauce? Yeah I'll have two." It's like the polite way of creating space. I will not chew with my mouth open or put my elbows on the table because I will not have to.

After I begin chowing down on my PHKWS sandwich (because BLTs are over omg), the conversation will probably start. I will direct your question of "What's new?" towards you. When the time comes that you insist that I tell you about myself, that is when it is time for me to say "I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable sharing any of that with you."

Boom. It's simple, it's respectful, and it's polite. That's all I'm looking for here. So there are two ways that you can take that. The first is that you have grown up and changed in the year since you last tried to talk to me and you just accept it politely and we are good. The second is that you are basically the same person in that you tell me that you hate that we're so distant and ask what we can do to fix it. So I'll have to be like, "right, there is no 'we,' you and I are not friends anymore." And that will just be the same conversation as always, blah blah blah sad (for you) and whatever and then you'll probs try to take it back at the end and give the first response but oops. That moment passed. And honestly even if you have changed and it is the first scenario, I still don't want to know you. I will be nothing but happy for New You for being able to make friends who don't have to carefully show you that they are done with you, but our situation stays the same. No, really.

I don't know if that's the classiest way to handle the situation, but it's really the best that I can do. I think it's ladylike so long as I don't don't compromise my level of comfort for your sake if I do not want to. But hey, at least we don't have to hug at the end.