Yo Wanna Hump?

Re: Sex With You Tonight

Today I walked by a freshly planted tree and thought about setting it on fire. I am destructive. I could say that I was destructive, but I am a work in progress. More thoughts than impulses at this point.

After paying lots of people lots of money to help me understand why I am this way, what I know is this: Perfectly good things bother me. They bother me because I don't believe that they can stay perfectly good forever. I destroy things because I like to have control over when they are no longer perfectly good. This is why, when I have been eating healthy and I suddenly have half a pizza, I will stop exercising for a couple weeks. When I have a pimple, I will pop it and then continue to pick at it until I leave a scar. And yes, sometimes I see a brand new tree and think about burning it down. I self sabotage because I am afraid of surprise. I am afraid of being challenged by life and so I make bigger, pointless challenges.

I am most destructive when I start to like myself more. I don't want anyone or anything to make me feel less confident and somehow I think it's better if I do it myself. The easiest way is to set myself up for some rejection. I don't know if I just think I'm special or if I really am unique in the way that I approach this, but I think I might go in with different expectations. I do not go out, get sloppy, and chat up someone who I probably don't have a chance with. I want the no, not the yes.  I prefer to contact someone when I'm sober, with a direct request, knowing that I have more than a 75% chance of getting rejected. If it so happens that I get a yes, I'll do what I proposed and move on to the next potential rejector until I get my fix. I guess I think I'm different because most people don't consciously admit that they want the "no."

This isn't good. It is not having control. It is looking at myself and really believing that I don't deserve to win sometimes. That I don't deserve to think that I might be becoming someone that I can admire. It's saying "Oh, you think you're improving? Well, I'll show you that you are nothing. Just wait." It is not just saying it, it's doing it.

I know on one level that no one deserves to feel that way, but then on another level, I think I am no one. And paying lots of people lots of money has only let me know why I think that. We have yet to find a way to stop it. Maybe that's because "we" can't, only I can.